When you were a kid did you ever hear the song called Dem Bones?

The lyrics followed a pattern similar to this:

“The toe bone connected to the foot bone; the foot bone connected to the heel bone; the heel bone connected to the ankle bone; the ankle bone connected to the shin bone; this bone is connected to that bone, etc., etc., etc.”

I have been more concerned with my own healthcare lately than I have been with Obamacare, the Affordable (ha-ha) Care Act, or whatever it is being called these days.

Soon after the Groundhog saw his shadow I had a mishap at work in the performance of some ancillary duties related to our building.

I slipped on a two inch sheet of ice while retrieving our Recycling container.

Think Bruce sort of like a hockey goalie making a split save. I did not fall, but severely injured in wishbone splitting fashion my upper left leg.

Rather than bore you with the play-by-play details of a myriad of PT and doctor appointments, let’s just say my medical records since the “split save” deeply connects me to the lyrics of the aforementioned song.

Everything is connected to something and something is connected to another thing. You get the picture.

However, let’s cut to the chase and fast forward to the two ER visits which occurred within a five day span a couple of weeks back.

Other than being in a few accidents, I have not been to the ER as much in nearly thirty six years of marriage.

Over the course of a few days my right ankle had swollen and I re-injured the upper left leg muscle which made life interesting and rest somewhat a misnomer.

In the process of attempting to get comfortable in bed I pulled a neck muscle – making it three medical things going on simultaneously.

A few days later, the ill effects of all three issues subsided to a degree when I was scheduled to take a day trip a few hours away in the course of my employment.

The drive to the client appointment did not present any problems. However, during the three hour meeting I felt my neck stiffening up and I could not move it laterally nor up and down.

My co-worker and I left the meeting in a torrential rain and windstorm. I could have humbled myself and asked if she would drive.

Consider it a “guy thing”. I wanted to explore my limitations.

Guys you understand, don’t you?

As I turned onto the main road, I could not rotate my head to account for oncoming traffic. The pain was so intense I thought I might black out.

As long as I kept the head in a frontal position I was OK.

We stopped to get a bite to eat at a fast food place. The salad I ordered left me with a choking sensation as I attempted to swallow.

I drove the two hours home in a Gilligan’s Island style storm, further complicating matters.

Once I was home I was in intense pain. My lovely wife helped me off with my shirt oh so carefully.

It did not matter.

Whatever happened in the course of her helping me out brought on another jolt of pain and gave me the shivers.

We called my doctor’s office and they referred me to ER visit Numero Uno.

Diagnosis – Torticollis or severe spasms of the neck.

The doc sends me home with a heavy duty pain killer, a neck brace, signs me off work for the next two days (a Thursday and Friday), and tells me to rest.

I later found out that he forget to tell me the pain killer could lead to a C-word, i.e., constipation.

Lovely!

This is a mature audience blog.

You may want to have the kids leave the room for the remainder of the saga. I will attempt to be as discreet as I can while you chuckle over my misfortune!

I normally don’t have problems in the elimination department.

Over the weekend I noticed things come to a near halt.

“Hmmm…what’s up with that? “, emerged my thought pattern.

I attempted to mitigate the situation with the magic of prunes, both the solid and liquid variety.

I forgot to mention a follow up visit to my doctor on Friday. A muscle relaxer was prescribed which compounded the problem.

The prunes did their magic and there was some movement.

As they saying goes on a popular cold medication ad, “Oh what a relief it is!”

I awoke on Monday morning to get ready for work.

Let’s just say I spent over an hour in the library (and I was NOT reading) in an attempt, as my son-in-law would say, to “drop the boys off at the pool”.

Jackie was getting ready for her day and at this point was unsuspecting of my pipes being clogged.

As I mentioned in an earlier post my water intake has been on the upswing.

Issues in one department were causing pressures in another department – the bladder was being pressed and tinkle time would not occur.

On a serious note, I had a problem and it needed to be dealt with pronto or more complications would ensue and another stanza of the Dem Bones would have been sung.

Honey, thank you for rearranging your day to take care of me!

The first attempt was home remediation.

I do not recall the last time I was in such a highly agitated state as I was at this point of the experience. I believe I even kicked a waste can!

Jackie had to get up close and personal and give me something I had not experienced since I was a child. I will allow your imagination to connect the dots.

All I could think of was, “you’ve got to be kidding!”

Failed attempt.

Jackie had to drive to school to drop off books for the substitute teacher. She was back within thirty minutes.

The pain was increasing in intensity. We called my doctor’s office again and along with it came the directive for ER visit number two, no pun intended.

The scene went something like this:

• I was pre-registered at the ER due to the doctor’s office calling ahead to secure my “reservation”.
• I was assigned room 16 in the ER, complete with oversized potty.
• The attending physician, the father of a former co-worker, drills me with questions to bring him up to speed.
• He tells me the attending doc on ER visit Numero Uno forgot to mention the potential for a backup per the notes.
• Due to the softball sized kid pressing on my bladder, the dam is filling with fluid.
• Nice nurse enters the room and in conversation, knows my middle daughter, also a nurse. Awesome!
• She mentions we have to take care of the fluid issue before we can unclog the pipes.
• She describes the procedure, I ask if I can be knocked out (ha-ha), and I think, “she is going to insert what into where” to give me relief.
• Time for the fun to begin. I break out in a cold sweat!
• The result, enough fluid released to float a barge.
• Now for the Main Event – a professional strength de-impactment with a soap suds enema.
• “Can you repeat that, a soaps suds enema? Do I look like a washing machine?”
• Jackie is sitting in the corner of the room with a smile on her face and sort of enjoying my plight.
• Jackie goes into switch the tables on you, Lamaze coaching and says, “Breathe honey, breathe” to help me navigate these waters.
• I begin repenting of the times I jokingly inferred or said to Jackie, “having a baby can’t be that big of a deal”.
• God has a sense of humor.
• I was about to find out in a far milder fashion what having a baby might feel like.
• The nurse mentions, “I will infuse half the bag of soap suds. If it does not work I will need to repeat the process.”
• Sweating bullets, I begin to pray “Oh God – HELP! We got to nail this on the first try!”
• All sense of propriety and modesty are long vanished.
• I am supposed to hold the magic potion for ten minutes, get off the table in my nice little gown, and get to the Promised Land a few feet away to flush all my troubles away.
• Mission accomplished – I miraculously give birth to my baby boy!
• How do you spell R-E-L-I-E-F?
• I know how I do!
• The next day I thank God for what I took for granted, normal bodily functions on both ends of the spectrum.

I hope that my plight gave you some comic relief.

A few folks close me said “I can see a blog post coming from this!”

I was compelled to oblige.

What is the point?

Is there anything keeping you stuck?

Of course I am not referring to the elimination sense described above during my personal saga, but in the where-the-rubber-meets-the-road sense.

Without divulging too many details, I recently spoke of a situation of which I am familiar “as the house is on fire and smoke is coming out of the roof”.

I referred to the same situation as “the Titanic is in icy waters and the ship is taking on water”.

What should one do in a case like this?

It can be summed up in one word – ACT!

Taking action, before the situation gets worse, is paramount.

The action does not have to be drastic; it simply has to be practical.

Put one foot in front of another, keep it simple, and do what you are led to do.

It’s not rocket science, it simply requires you to do something, anything.

We are told faith without works is dead.

Translated, pray all you want, but God cannot steer a parked car.

You do your part. He will do His.

Don’t wait for an ER visit, do what you can do – NOW!

What is keeping you stuck and how can you move in the direction of clearing the pipes?