It’s time to muddy the waters.

It’s time to arrest that which has been hidden.

It’s time to grab the padlock, insert the key, and release what has been locked away behind closed doors.

It’s time to allow light to dispel darkness and expose it.

It’s time to strike a blow against some things eating at me.

I cannot pinpoint an exact time It slipped through the back door and made Its way into my life.

However, a seed was deposited long ago in the recesses of my mind and in the soil of my heart.

It became a deeply anchored root which I have carried for a very long time, even until this day.

It got by an undeveloped, internal radar system and attached itself to the man inside much like a barnacle attaches to the underside of a boat.

What, you may ask, is It?

Shame is It!

In her book, Daring Greatly, noted vulnerability and shame researcher Brene Brown describes Shame as:

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

As a young toddler past the diaper wearing stage and until I reached the eighth or ninth grade I had an issue with bedwetting.

You heard me correctly – I peed my pants at night!

This was not an isolated occurrence or an every now and then event.

It was an every night, Shame filled experience which made its way across the nocturnal landscape of my heart for days, months, and years.

I recall being very self-conscious, particularly at school and around girls in the awkward, pre-adolescent years.

My Mom was saint, faithfully caring for me while changing and laundering sheets on a daily basis as if she had nothing else to do as she also attended to the needs of my four younger siblings and the household in general.

Mom – THANK YOU!

It was during these times Shame entered my unspoken vocabulary, constantly lurking in the deep places.

Shame was locked away waiting to be activated on a much grander, insidious scale later in life.

Shame was suppressed for years, but ultimately released at the opportune time.

In my adult life, Shame’s intent has been to render me powerless and ineffective in whatever area of my life its tentacles could grasp.

Shame decided to make an encore appearance on the stage of my heart.

One area in which I have struggled to find a sense of purpose has been in the area of my career and consequently in my ability to earn a respectable living.

Fortunately, I have been employed most of my adult life.

One’s choices make the person and if poor choices are made, one tends to wander from the intended path.

Such is the case in my life.

I quit a job early in my career, without another employment offer accepted,  and was unemployed for nearly fifteen months due to my own ill-advised choice .

My young wife could not stop me even though she tried – desperately, as I rationalized my thoughts.

For this too I have asked forgiveness as it set in motion many dominoes.

My parents, not wanting to interfere, had reservations about my actions.

Move the clock forward several years later. I once again became familiar with the term unemployment.

The game of organizational politics was introduced to me on the spot in the most unsuspecting of employers, even though my performance was exemplary.

In another venue, the employment road took a real twist as I returned from a family vacation to learn my position was dissolved.

If I wanted to be employed I would need to take a role in an IT department – with NO PRIOR EXPERIENCE!

I struggled with the phrase “I hate my job” often.

The thoughts of life not turning out like I thought it would began to surface.  Shame was making its frontal assault.

It was at this point Shame gnawed at my self-esteem, causing me to go inward and lock it all away.

However, the beast behind the door could only be contained so long before leaking out in other ways.

It came out in my relationships at home.

I am most certain the thoughts swirled in each of my children’s minds, “Why is Dad so grouchy?” on more than one occasion.

In my relationship with my wife, the interactions frequently took on the characteristics of sandpaper rubbing against finished wood, methodically grinding the patina to a dull finish while leaving scratches and dust in its wake.

My words were abrasive and often times hurtful.

My demeanor was withdrawn and Shame pushed me inward.

I do not believe I am alone in this experience, even though at times I completely feel like I am.

In her book, Brown notes the following:

• Shame is universal and one of the most primitive emotions we experience – we all have it.
• We’re afraid to talk about Shame.
• The less we talk about Shame the more control it has over our lives.

She touches on a dozen Shame categories – money and work, appearance, family, addictions, mental and physical health to name a few.

I have a sense you too may share similar thoughts or experiences when it comes to Shame parking its car in your garage.

In response to a recent post one of my readers described a work situation in which he was recently fired from his job, despite glowing performance indicators which he shared.

The following are his words:

“After reading this morning’s post, I would have thought you wrote that for me…your post this morning changed my attitude… I have been feeling sorry for myself, down in the mouth and woe is me.”

Shame wanted to take him to No Man’s Land – from what I can surmise, he decided to swing back! 

Good for him!

Fortunately, his family and friends have encouraged him to step out and work for himself. He reached out (or they reached out to him!).  I am proud of him for connecting and reaching out!

Shame wants to disconnect us and to keep us isolated.

Shame says things like:

• “Life has not turned out how you planned, has it?”
• “You can spin your wheels all you want, you are not going anywhere.”
• “You are not enough.”
• “You are a failure!”
• “It will never change.”
• “Why are others successful and you aren’t?”

We are hard wired for connection and belonging.

If Shame rings your doorbell, Brown’s prescription is this:

“If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame”.

How do we develop resilience to Shame?

Brown suggests the following:

• Recognizing Shame and understanding its triggers.
• Be critically aware of Shame – render a reality check against its messages and expectations.
• Reach out to someone.
• Speaking – talk about your feelings when you feel Shame.

My life is good.

It has been and is painful at times, with constant reminders of what I am not versus what or who I am.

I choose to rest in who am I!

Just last week, the Summer 2014 Edition of my college magazine arrived. I typically scan it for something pertinent and then place it in File 13.

There was an almost full page article of an undergraduate classmate, who incidentally shared the same major. The article highlighted news of a recent position he accepted. The accolades were many and glowing, some pointing to positions of national prominence.

Out of nowhere Shame surfaced and attempted to bait me and get me to bite on the Comparison line. Fortunately, I recognized the trigger and did not allow Shame to reel me in.

I don’t mean for this to be some sort of sob story for you to follow (or trash).

I do mean to call out of you those things where Shame has reared its ugly head.

I am not sure what they are – but as Brown suggests, Shame has visited all of us.

I am here to tell state you are more than enough!

Your life matters and you have value!

Although it may try to submerge you, Shame has no power over you!

You take its power away when you talk to someone. A burden shared will lighten the load.

I plan on heeding my own advice. I know it will do me good.

It will allow me to uncork that which has been bottled up for far too long.

It’s time to unlock the door, call Shame out, and in the process begin to walk the road where Shame loses its grip on you.

My hope and prayer as you read this is you too will find comfort and help to deal with those things which may be nipping at your heels – those things which Shame might be causing you to think and do.

I follow a particular blog frequently.  Typically the comments have a handful of folks chiming in.  I read the latest entry earlier today on a topic dealing with some weighty stuff.  The comment count was over seventy five and my guess climbing at the author hit a nerve.  He exposed some things he was dealing with, common to us all.

I have been holding back on this particular post for some time.  I decided to hold back no longer. Thanks for listening.  It helped me take aim on Shame and cut him off at the knees.

I will leave you with this:

“He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness; He brings light to the deepest gloom.” Job 12:22 (NLT)

 In what ways can you take aim on Shame and begin dismantling its power in your life?

Photo Courtesy of Brittany Castillejo