It’s time.  It’s more than time.

I have imagined sitting down to write this post countless times over the twenty-plus months.  I had zero intention of going A-W-O-L in November 2017 from sharing on this platform. However, for a variety of reasons I did.

Guilt knocked on my door often, trying to lure me into thinking I was disappointing myself, God, and those of you who take the time to read and comment. 

Let’s be brutally honest. 

I do not have hundreds or thousands of subscribers (yet).  There are a couple hundred of you who have opted in and allow my previous posts to willingly come into your inbox.  Whether you read my posts or send them directly to trash I am honored.

My goal is to be faithful to that which I feel called to do and to hopefully share meaningful words and content with you.  As the days turned into weeks then months, I kicked myself on more than one occasion. 

The thought prevailed, “How could I let my readers down?”

Who did I think I was….seriously!

About five months into my unintended leave of absence, I realized it was not solely my decision to step away from my weekly posts. 

In all honesty, it was by divine design orchestrated by a Father who cared enough for my welfare to affect a time out in my life.

He hit the pause button to allow some deeper things to be addressed. 

Although not life threatening by any stretch of the imagination, about five months after my last post I showed up at work on a Monday morning.  Ten minutes into the workday I broke out in a cold sweat and my blood pressure was doing its best to be like Old Faithful, going sky high. 

The friendly, caring nurses who worked around the corner from my office and came to my aid essentially said, “You’re outta here. You need to see your doctor – now!”

This was the first clue there was a retooling process about to take place.  The visit to my PCP resulted in a prescription for blood pressure medication as well one for an anti-depressant. 

Up to this point in my life and having crossed the “60” threshold, I was on no medication and did not want to be.  To have two meds suggested simultaneously made me all the more anxious.  Through some qualified family consultation, I accepted the reality of the blood pressure medication, but rejected the anti-depressant. 

Had I hit a low? Yes. 

Did I think it worthy of the meds? Not really.

It was time to truly look upward for the help I knew would always be there.  I never have looked at my faith in and relationship with God as some celestial crutch. 

However, I undeniably know that when I sincerely call on Him, He not only hears He provides the answers.

It was also time to look inward, buck the urge to be in denial, and come face to face with some issues.

My weight hit an all-time high of 291 pounds a few months before the incident at work.  Not good.  Not good at all! I am sure this was a contributing factor to the BP heading north!

I have access to body mass index information in my line of work.  The data indicated a BMI value of 34.50 (Obese Class I) and a mere 0.50 from Obese Class II. Yikes!!!

The first step in tackling the problem was to be very, very honest with myself and admit there was an issue.

I looked into the proverbial mirror, took a deep breath, and said to myself:

“Bruce, your weight is categorized as O-B-E-S-E. Do I need to repeat this fact or are you getting the message?”

I am happy to say my weight is down around 250, I am working on many things, and am registered to do a century ride (100 miles) in September for the benefit of a local charity.

As my friend, Ann Musico, often writes about I took some baby steps.

For those of you who may struggle with weight (or other) issues, I mean no disrespect nor do I intend to heap guilt upon you. 

I simply am telling my story as it has unfolded during this season of my life.

As a kid I was always active in sports.  As an adult, as some of you may know I adopted cycling as my passion and have been reasonably active, typically doing over 3,000 miles a year. 

At this juncture, something was out of hand and I had to face the facts and take action to do something about it. Within a month of the visit to the PCP’s office, it was time to take another step in the process.

Over the course of our forty-one years of marriage, Jackie and I have sought the counsel of several Christian marriage professionals.  At first, the thought of doing so was not inviting at all – not even a hint of a warm fuzzy could be imagined at the thought of it.

In many respects, I felt like we failed.

I’ve since learned it is a sign of strength to be vulnerable and to seek the help of others.   

None of us is meant to do this thing called life alone.

Those times were beneficial from the professional help we received as well doing so within the context of a biblical worldview. 

Last year, we reached out to our new friend, Linda.  Our church has a prayer counseling ministry called Healing the Heart and we followed God’s leading to seek Linda’s help in taking the next step of this journey together.  

Over the past year or so, the deeper issues have eventually surfaced and step-by-step change has started to take place on the inside in many ways.  Limiting beliefs have been exposed, wounds have been addressed and healed, and new thought patterns have started to take root.

Before I go any further, I would be remiss if I did not give a shout out to Jackie for standing alongside me during this journey. 

The journey to which I refer is not solely the events of the recent time period I describe.  It has been the journey of our lifetime together, facing situations which have more than tested our mettle, and at times with us barely holding on.

Many tears have been shed on both of our parts.  When she could have easily walked away, she has been more than faithful, and she has honored the vows we once made to each other – for better or worse. 

However, by the grace of God we are still standing – together.  Thank you for doing so.  I will always love you.

OK, enough of the mushy stuff, back to my tale.

Before our first appointment to see our friend, Linda, I spent several hours on a Sunday afternoon doing some deep thinking before our initial meeting. 

I charted a timeline of my life from birth to the then current moment.  It included many line items of milestone events – some joyous, some routine, some painful.

Talk about a reality check.  The process was sobering.  It was at that moment I came to grips with the events of the past several years which lead up to this point.

More importantly, if I were to sing right now the message could be conveyed in the song title, a hymn of old, Great Is Thy Faithfulness.

I suddenly began to understand why God hit the pause button. He did me a favor.

I (we) had just come through one of the most tumultuous periods of our life, starting in early 2013. Much like a hidden virus, I was unaware of the toll it had taken. The bottom simply fell out. 

After listening to a recent podcast by Dr. Caroline Leaf I was left with a picture of what I experienced during this time. 

In short, I related to the characteristics Dr. Leaf described as burnout in her blog post, Tips to Recognize and Prevent Mental Burnout.

According to Dr. Leaf, burnout is “a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when someone feels overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands, at both home and on the job.”

In retrospect, I related.  She further describes some of the symptoms which are experienced by one dealing with burnout. 

“…physical and emotional exhaustion resulting in chronic fatigue, cynicism and detachment, feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment, insomnia, forgetfulness/impaired concentration and attention, increased susceptibility to illness, a loss of appetite, feelings of anxiety and depression.”

Double Jeopardy on the relatability spectrum!

The house of cards labeled as my former employment began to crumble around that time.  Over the course of the ensuing year and a half, I shared the drama of the eventual closing of the business and loss of employment with my co-workers as well as my wife.

One domino began to follow another: 

• Pre-job loss clues occurring frequently.
• Loss of former job in November 2014 and not prepared in the least for this.
• Looking for employment for the next three months – stressful and depressing, especially the world of online job searching. 
• Found employment, breath of fresh air.
• Put the house up for sale and not really wanting to do so.  More stress.
• Start new job and graciously afforded the use of a RV via a friend’s parents located close to new job.
• Learning the landscape of new employer and the complexities of the new job.
• Find new place to live.
• Commute on weekends for two plus months to pack up belongings prior to move.
• Jackie quits work reluctantly due to relocation – sincerely emotional as she invested much into her work and those relationships.  
• Relocate to new place to live.
• Find church home – awesome and lives up to its name, Life Center.
• Jackie seeks for new employment. More stress on the two of us.
• Jackie finds employment on a part-time basis, takes significant pay cut.
• After a year and a half in new location, finds teaching job similar to prior position but missing her former relationships.

Like ocean waves consistently beating against a rocky shore, the sustained stress over a period of time had taken its toll on my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. 

To hit the nail on the head, in many ways I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean treading water with no visible life raft available – or so I thought.

I was tired, disoriented, and somewhat on life support.

How’s that for a true confession?

In the winter of 2017 we were blessed with a trip to Israel, truly the trip of a lifetime and one we will always treasure.

On the last day of the trip we visited the Garden Tomb, the spot where Christ is believed to have risen from the dead.

Although I did not approach being there from a historical perspective I also did not fully absorb the deeper meaning when there. 

In early spring of 2018, which coincided with the health incident at work, I began to reflect on our trip to Israel the year before.

It began with hearing a song called You Came by Jonathan and Melissa Helser.  It’s the story of a dead man called Lazarus (see John 11).  He was dead for four days with no hope other than his only Hope, Jesus. 

Although dead, Jesus called Lazarus to come out of the grave which constrained him.  Some of the words of the song began to soak into the soil of my heart.

“You stood outside my grave…I heard you say my name…I knew that you would come…my heart it woke up…I rose up from my grave.”

I took the words to heart and made them personal as if Jesus were calling me out of the dead places in my life.

It was a start. Hope began to make its way back into the room.

I began to look at the picture of the empty tomb from our trip from a deeper, personal perspective.  In allowing the image of the empty tomb to take root, this truth began to attach itself to my heart.

“Yes, God raised Jesus to life! And since God’s Spirit of Redemption lives in you, He will also raise your dying body to life by the same Spirit that breathes life into you! (The Passion Translation 8:11)

The lyrics of Risen King (Sons and Daughters), featured on Life Center Worship’s debut EP spoke to me.

Around the same time I received an email blast from an organization I follow promoting a book for teenagers.  The tag line on the promo spoke to me and it was one of many, many whispers which told me God heard the cries of my heart for anything which would pull me back toward living again.   

The tag line read – The world needs to hear your redemption story.

I took this as an invitation to once again write and it was a seed which began to germinate.    

During my absence, I sincerely questioned why I should even bother and had many doubts as to what end anything I would write would matter.

I succumbed to these negative thoughts on more than one occasion.

Jackie certainly encouraged me often to write.

The frequent and heartfelt reminders from close friends came to my inbox when I needed to hear them the most.

Various forms of media – a song, emails, and other words of encouragement came often. 

The message was always the same. W-R-I-T-E!

 A recent conversation with my brother-in-law was to the point.  He more than suggested I take stock of that which gives me life and go about doing it. Thank you!

A tweet from a new online friend was instrumental in moving me to action. As she recounted failing at suicide in her distant past and then listening to thoughts she had nothing to say (she is an author and redemptive story specialist), she countered the lies of the enemy with a whole list of accomplishments in written form which gave credibility to her calling to write.

In many ways, I felt like the fictional character, George Bailey, from the Christmas classic It’s a Wonderful Life.

Near the end of the movie, George experiences a sequence of events where he is granted his unintended wish to have never been born despite his surroundings being familiar to him.  George comes to the end of his rope and declares, “I want to live again.  I want to live again.”

George’s heartfelt prayer became my prayer. Does this mean I was suicidal? 

Not a chance.  However, the long, sustained drain of the day to day had taken a toll and it’s time to recognize it for what it is, ask for help, and to move forward. 

This post is already way too long.  It’s time to wrap things up here. 

I am 100% certain you too have or are experiencing the demands of life which taken you downstream on a journey for which you did not sign up.  You are tired, drained, and might be out of sorts.

You may be shouting out enough already, in an effort to preserve your sanity and to keep your canoe from going over the falls. 

Much like Jesus who needed ministered to (see Matthew 4:11) after his temptation in the desert, so too do we need to come to “…rest in green meadows and for Him to lead us by peaceful streams where He renews our strength”. 

There is an open invitation join Him by the stream so He can restore your soul.

In closing, I am staring at an image that seems appropriate to mention.

It’s taken from the ending of one of my favorite books, Wild at Heart.  It speaks directly to me and may also speak to you. If the shoe fits, then most certainly wear it.

“…Remember, don’t ask yourself what the world needs.  Ask what makes me come alive and go do it. The world needs people who are truly alive.”

For me, that is an invitation to write whether journaling, crafting a personal note to someone, or sharing in this space.

None of us is immune from the cares and concerns that inevitably pull a stool up to our table.

However, we all have a say in what to do with the things which concern us. 

If any of this resonates with you I would encourage you to tune in, get some help, and allow life to truly be something you live instead of endure.

Thanks for taking the time to allow me to do some catching up.  I sincerely appreciate doing so. 

Can I ask a favor?

If this post resonates with you, please feel free to share accordingly. 

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Thanks for reading….Bruce